Poor Thomas…
It doesn’t seem to matter
that every other disciple
doubted
at one time or another.
It doesn’t seem to matter
that the other disciples were often
confused;
afraid;
involved in something so big--
so overwhelming--
that they never really grasped it.
At least,
not at first.
Poor Thomas…
it doesn’t seem to matter
that other disciples
denied Jesus,
or dismissed the women
who first proclaimed the news
of the empty tomb,
or ducked for cover
behind the safety of a locked door.
Poor Thomas…
no matter how many times
he walked beside Jesus,
no matter how sincere,
how trusting,
how deep
his own faith might have been,
He will forever be remembered
as “Doubting Thomas”;
the disciple
who found it difficult to believe.
“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hand;
unless I put my hand into his side,
I will not believe.”
His legacy was fixed
by that one
single moment of doubt.
Thomas:
the disciple who didn’t quite get it.
Thomas:
the disciple who was one step behind.
Thomas:
the disciple who demanded to stick his finger
into the wounds of Christ
so that he could believe.
Yet,
most of us,
in one way or another,
including the most devout,
are little like Thomas,
aren’t we?
On those days
when the strongest prescription
no longer dulls the pain--
Those nights when the phone remains silent,
and the fate of a runaway child
gnaws a hole clear through your heart;
Those mornings
when despair sits beside you
blocking the sun and stealing all the warmth—
Those weeks
when you can't put a foot right
no matter how hard you try or how fast you run--
Which one of us doesn’t want
to put our hands on his wounds
or gaze upon his scars—
if only to remind ourselves,
that whatever hell we are experiencing,
whichever desert we have stumbled into,
He has been here, too.
Doubt has a way of sneaking up on us,
surprising us--
even when we’re surrounded
by the scent of Easter lilies;
even as we read
by the light of the Easter fire.
Doubt can suddenly paralyze us,
even as we bend
to hug a child
or help raise someone from the font.
We can be blindsided--
stunned
to find ourselves juggling
fear and faith;
doubt and discipleship.
Can I ever forgive?
How can I endure?
How do I prove this?
Where is God?
And we are often too anxious,
too alone,
too shocked and afraid
to give these demons a voice.
Afraid
somehow,
that the ugly tapes playing in our head
means that we have lost faith and hope forever.
Afraid
somehow,
that if we cry out,
"Show yourself, God!"
God won’t love us anymore
But doubt
is not the same as disbelief.
Struggling with faith
is not denial of faith.
Fear,
depression,
despair,
grief, pain and confusion
do not rupture our relationship with God.
And Thomas…
blunt,
straightforward,
honest,
wonderful Thomas,
is the disciple
who dared to bring
doubt
into dialogue with faith.
Thomas is the disciple
who was brave enough to say
what we so often feel--
“Show yourself, God!
Let me see you!”
And fortunately,
Thomas was blessed with a God who appears.
Jesus just kept on appearing,
despite fear
despite sin
despite doubt.
Jesus just kept on appearing,
rolling away stones,
breaking down barriers,
healing wounded hearts,
opening locked doors,
shining a light
into dark and dangerous corners.
Jesus just kept on appearing—
choosing a woman
to be his first preacher of the Good News;
challenging his disciples to believe her;
inviting them to move beyond fear,
beyond grief,
beyond doubt,
into hope.
He invited Thomas to,
“Put your finger here,
and see my hands
and bring your hand and put it into my side.”
And all the while,
Jesus was preparing them,
teaching them,
forming them for the future.
In a creative act
as profound and life-changing
as God breathing life into Adam,
Jesus breathed new life into his disciples.
Receive the Holy Spirit.
Become a sign for others.
Be the person who brings oil
to anoint the sick and wounded.
Be the person who rolls back stones
and unlocks doors for those left standing outside.
Become the person who preaches Good News
even when it is lonely and hard
and others tell you to be silent.
Invite others to walk beside me,
even if...
Even if you struggle with your own doubts and fears.
And so,
Jesus just keeps on appearing—
on a street in the East End,
where a desperate mother
wages a private war,
determined to keep her child free from drugs.
Jesus just keeps on appearing—
in a lonely room
beside a frightened man held captive
by a respirator and blinking lights.
Jesus just keeps on appearing,
in a dusty village
where a child too hungry to cry sits
beside an empty bowl.
And when it becomes too hard for us
to walk with that mother,
and hold the man’s hand,
and offer the child a loaf of bread,
well…
fortunately for us,
like Thomas,
we are blessed with a God
who will just keep on appearing.
"Jesus Appears”, Christian Century, March 24, 1999, Rev. Susan R. Andrews, provided the inspiration that “Jesus just keeps on appearing.”
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