Poor Thomas…
It doesn’t seem to matter
that every other disciple
doubted
at one time or another.
It doesn’t seem to matter
that the other disciples
were sometimes confused;
afraid;
involved in something
they didn’t really understand.
It doesn’t seem to matter
that other disciples
denied Jesus,
or dismissed the women who ran from the empty tomb,
or ducked for cover
behind the safety of a locked door.
Poor Thomas…
no matter how many times
he must have walked beside Jesus,
no matter how sincere,
how trusting,
how deep
his own faith might have been,
Thomas will always be remembered
as “Doubting Thomas”;
the disciple
who found it difficult to believe.
“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hand;
unless I put my hand into his side,
I will not believe.”
Poor Thomas.
His legacy as a disciple
was forever fixed
by that one
single moment in time.
Thomas:
the disciple who didn’t quite get it.
Thomas:
the disciple who was one step behind.
Thomas:
the disciple who needed to stick his finger
into the wounds of Christ
so that he could believe.
Yet,
most of us,
in one way or another,
are little like Thomas,
aren’t we?
On those days
when the strongest prescription
no longer dulls the pain;
During those nights
when the phone remains silent,
and the fate of a lost child
gnaws a hole in your heart;
On those mornings
when despair
sits beside you like an old friend,
blocking out the sun
and stealing all the warmth—
Which one of us doesn’t want
to put our hands on his wounds
or gaze upon his scars—
if only to remind ourselves,
that wherever it is we’re headed,
he has been there, too.
And most of us,
if we’re honest…
sometimes doubt.
Doubt can sneak up on us,
surprising us,
even when we’re surrounded
by the scent of Easter lilies.
It can overtake us,
even when we’ve been standing
in the light of the Easter fire.
Doubt can paralyze us,
even as we bend
to raise someone from the font.
For most of us,
life holds dark moments of loss and pain,
terrifying times when our voices fail and our hearts pound.
Times when we struggle to balance fear and faith;
doubt and discipleship.
Does she love me?
Will he recover?
Can I ever forgive them?
Does God even care?
Who will speak a word of comfort?
Why have I failed?
And we are often too anxious,
too alone,
too startled
to give these words voice.
Afraid
somehow,
that God won’t love us anymore
if we speak our fears aloud.
But doubt
is not the same as disbelief.
Struggling with faith
is never the same as denying faith.
A dark night of the soul
does not rupture our relationship with God.
And Thomas…
blunt,
straightforward,
honest,
wonderful Thomas,
is the disciple
who dared to bring
doubt
into dialogue with faith.
Thomas is the disciple
who was brave enough to say
what we so often feel--
“Show yourself, God!
Let me see you!”
And fortunately,
Thomas was blessed with a God who appears. *
Jesus just kept on appearing,
despite fear
despite sin
despite doubt.
Jesus just kept on appearing,
rolling away stones,
breaking down barriers,
healing wounded hearts,
opening locked doors,
shining a light
into dark and dangerous corners.
Jesus just kept on appearing—
choosing a woman to be his first witness;
challenging his disciples to believe her;
inviting them to move beyond locked doors,
even inviting Thomas to, “Put your finger here,
and see my hands.”
And all the while,
Jesus was preparing them,
teaching them,
forming them for mission.
In a creative act
as profound and life-changing
as God breathing life into Adam,
Jesus breathed new life into his disciples.
Receive the Holy Spirit.
Become a sign for others.
Be the person who rolls back the stone
and unlocks the doors.
Break down the barriers
and stand for me,
even when you struggle with doubt or fear.
And so,
Jesus just keeps on appearing—
on a street in the East End,
where a desperate mother
wages a private war,
determined to keep her child free from drugs.
Jesus just keeps on appearing—
in a lonely room
beside a frightened man
held captive
by plastic tubes and blinking lights.
Jesus just keeps on appearing,
in a dusty village
where a silent child
sits beside an empty bowl.
And when it becomes too hard for us
to walk with that mother,
and hold the man’s hand,
and offer the child a loaf of bread,
well…
fortunately for us,
like Thomas,
we are blessed with a God
who just keeps on appearing.
© Susan Fleming McGurgan
* “Jesus Appears”, Christian Century, March 24, 1999, Rev. Susan R. Andrews, provided the inspiration that “Jesus just keeps on appearing.”